To swim or not to swim

It was a glorious two and a half weeks, but spring is over and we're now full on into summer.

All the changes that happen when we enter to hottest time of year are in full view already. The trees have enough leaves to give shade. The flowers are in full bloom. The grass has a bunch of brown spots from where people let there dogs poop in the snow 5 months ago and never cleaned it up.

But the sure-firest (surest-fire?) way to tell that it real is summer is to just walk by the pool in our apartment complex and notice the place is more crowded than the local IHOP (and this despite the fact there pool doesn't offer 5 kinds of syrup).

I never know how to react to the fact that there is a pool where I live. As a kid I always wanted one. Even started digging one for a while but then I started thinking about dinosaurs before long my T-rex and Triceratops were duking it out in my room.

Come to think of it, that's how all my childhood projects ended.

And a lot of my adult ones.

Anyway, now that I find myself with easy access to a pool I can never decide wether or not to use it. As an adult there and just so many conflicting pros and cons about the whole issue.

Maybe someone out there could help me. Let me just explain my thinking.

Pro: Sweat.

Just ask anyone who's ever been down wind of me, I am a sweaty stinky man.

I'm from Idaho, I'm built for colder climates. Once the summer hits my poor skin, I start sweating like a fat guy going up stairs.

That's just walking to the bus, when I work out in the sun I just look like a cartoon super villain made of stinky water.

I bet I produce more liquid per hour than 3 dairy cows.

This slimly covering may keep me cool and protect me from predators but it makes me none the more popular with the ladies. Not that I really am looking for any ladies at this point in my life, but no matter how married you get, it still hurts when they point and laugh.

That's one thing I really like about being at the pool. At the pool its hard to tell the difference between someone who is dripping wet with sexy pool-water and someone who is dripping wet with extremely un-sexy personal water.

Con: I suck at swimming.

For a guy who passed all the swimming requirements scouting could throw at him, I'm a really lousy swimmer.

I spent most my time like I did when I first started going to pools, clinging to the end of the pool only leaving to try to swim to the other side when either my mom's watching or some kid dares me to.

I always start out with pretty good form, by after two or three strokes I become the only person in the pool over the age of five doing the doggy paddle.

It's better for me to just stay on land, where I can usually get around with no problem.

And if I can't, I just fall, not drown.

Pro: bikinis. Lots of bikinis.

Much like losers wait for the swallows to return to that place they go, the average red blooded American male considers the return of bikinis into the realm of acceptable day wear as the true sign of summer.

Today I saw more cleavage and side cheek than I had since Christmas. And this was just on my way to check the mail.

Some people say that it's shameful to see women parading around half naked in public like that.

I think these people are idiots.

A woman wearing a bikini is way more than half naked. We're talking about what, less than two square feet of covering going on?

By my figures a well-figured woman in a proper bikini is anywhere between four/fifths to thirteen/fourteenths naked.

An Eskimo with his shirt off, that's half naked.

I swear this country can't do math anymore.

As much as I appreciate them I've never really understood the mentality behind bikinis. There are very few young women who would let random strangers see them in just their underwear. And yet, if you make that same underwear waterproof, and all of a sudden it's appropriate to were to grocery store.

Con: naked kids.

I'm all for skinny dipping in proper situations, like when it starts with gratuitous nudity and ends in bloody murder but there are limits.

I'm pretty sure it's against some sort of federal law or pool rule to let your offspring splash around – as the French say – buck naked, but I've seen baby wiener during too many trips past the pool.

At first I was against it for sanitary reasons. I was convinced that being in the buff would increase the chance of peeing in the pool by several hundred percent.

Then I wised up and realized that warm water, constant splashing and the commonly accepted fallacy that chlorine makes everything better has already made it so pretty that the only people who don't leave a little personal Kool-ade in the pool are the rare few who actually shower before getting in the pool.

They do their business there.

So I'm not worried about these kids doing anything I wouldn't do in the pool. I do, however, worry about the harsh rays of the sun. If a family is too lazy to put a suit on their kid, I'm pretty sure they didn't sunscreen them up properly.

I'd try to shade them myself, but that's just creepy, even for me. And I look at strangers' wedding photos on Flickr.

Geek on.


Steve Shinny is a poor swimming who accidentally typed the word “poop” every time he wanted to write “pool” and had to go back and change it while giggling like a school boy. Comments can and should be left below.