Father's Note: I started this column when Grant was only two weeks old and I was super sleep deprived and still more than a little freaking out about the whole being a daddy thing. This whole mind set kept me from ever really sitting down and finishing this piece or any other for that matter. Now things have calmed down enough that I want to start writing again. Unfortunately, I'm now such an awesome father that no one would believe a lot of the stuff I had planned. This piece for example no longer makes sense now that I've been taking care of the the kid for 4 months. Still there are some days when he really is a monster.
My baby is a vampire.
I don't know why no one has noticed this before but he is definitely a frickin' vampire.
I'm not sure if all newborns are Nosferatu or just mine is but there is no way around it: He only sleep during the day. He terrorize innocent people at night. He get all their nourishment from sucking fluids out of another living human being.
I can't be the only one to connect all these dots.
So I have a tiny little vampire bundled up in small wooden box in my room. What am I supposed to do?
The day I became a registered Libertarian, I sworn to battle the undead wherever I encounter them, not wrap them up in little puppy dog blankets and sing to them about rainbows and rubber duckies.
And yet, this vampire is just so cute.
Every time I get the crosses out and sharpen all of my stakes I look at him there, snuggled up like the world's cuddliest prince of darkness and my heart just melts.
It's a real conflict of interest for me. I'm sure you can understand.
Babies hate it when you rub garlic on their faces.
So here I am, trying to come up with a plan. I can destroy my own flesh and blood, totally piss off my wife and be forever know as that guy who dropped his infant into the Holy Water fountain at the local cathedral or I could create an elaborate plan where I raise this vampire as my own son so that I can one day turn him against his own kind.
I've decided to go with number two because this way I get to play with a baby, which is always fun.
Babies can't go out in the sun or they'll sparkle.
So now that I have a plan of action, I need to figure how to go about doing it. You can't just start something like this by making stake-hurling crossbows and bullets infused with sunlight in your garage.
I need to contain the child and keep him under control. I've gotten his crib treated with salt and made a crucifix mobile.
I'm looking into a way to surround the nursery with running water and I never go in there without a mirror. It's a small start, but I figure by the time he's four he should be stronger than a pro football player and able to turn into a bat. I figure that's we can start training.
Babies can make women do whatever they want just by looking at them.
So that's father hood for me so far. I'm looking forward to receiving my first father's day gift: The severed head a vampire clan leader.
Babies look really good in a tuxedo.
Steve Shinney is a little bit disappointed his first born was a vampire. He was really hoping for a werewolf or a matador. It could be worse, he could have been a girl. Comments and vampire raising suggestions can and should be left below.