Premptive Critic: When in Rome

When in Rome, you should do as the Romans.

When in a (Rome)mantic comedy, you should do as the idiots.

When in a (Rome)mantic comedy, main characters must be very attractive, have incredibly cool jobs and not smell like a combination of old meat and butt. Yet they still remain hopelessly single and clueless about how all the ugly schlubs with regular jobs and a slight rump odor manage to hook up all the time.

Let's be serious, this is Kristen Bell we're talking about, with the way she rocks that blue dress in the wedding scene in the trailer, I'm not buying the “I haven't found anyone yet” story.

Wait, I think I've done this Preemptive before. Several times.

Let's get back to the when in Rome part of things. Just are when you are in Rome there are certain things you should do (see The Coliseum, eat fresh gelato, get yelled at by an old woman), there are some things that you should not do.

And at number two on this list is don't go into the ancient fountain while wearing a blue dress you rock so well do dig around for the European equivalent of 37 cents.

“Don't go into the wishing fountain for the money. It's rude and dirty.”

Those are seriously the first words I remember my mom ever saying to me.

Wasn't this woman every four?

And yet through this act that was the worst breech of cultural courtesy since President Bush barfed on that Japanese dude, we get our plot.

That's right, despite being in a (Rome)mantic comedy, this movie has conflict that is not entirely based around two people simply misunderstanding each over and being too attractive to sit down and talk about it. No, violating the local wisdom of Western Society's oldest city will bring a crap storm of (supposed) hilarity that no last minute run through the airport can solve.

Apparently, to undo this kind of bad mojo, you have to drive a mini into an elevator with Danny Devito.

I preemptively love this movie.

I'm serious, blue dress.

Premptive Critic: The Spy Nextdoor

“Secret Agent Bob Ho (Jacky Chan) is about to face his most difficult mission ever.”

Please don't be kids please don't be kids.



Seriously Jackie, what happened to you? You were second coolest celebrity (after Jenny McArthy) of the whole 90s. Now look at you.

Don't get me wrong. I idolize you (literally, I have a gold statue of you that if anyone takes a boulder in the shape of Mr. T's fist will come done and crush them) but you have lost the plot?

You keep making this feel-good, family movies and I'll tell you, my family does not feel good.

Do you even remember that scene in “First Strike” with the ladder? That was you man. That was you making the entire United States of America crap its collective pants.

That's how cool you used to be.

Look at you now in this one. The only people crapping their pants are your co-stars.

Ok, I'll admit. I'm being a little hard on you Jackie. It seems no matter what film you end up being in, you give it 100 percent and make some of the worse premises into truly enjoyable experiences and I'm sure you'll do the same here.

I'm just wistful for a long gone time, I guess.

A time where the only movies you stared in featured either beating people up with chairs or two misfits from different worlds overcoming their cultural differences to beat people up with chairs.

I guess I'll have to face facts that those days are gone just like dollar-a-gallon gas, grunge music and Jackie Chan movies where the most threatening looking person from the trailer didn't look like he belongs in a Avril Lavigne video.


I preemptively hate this movie, but I know I'll love it later.

Oh and if you're really reading this Mr. Chan, I'm still pissed about the last ten minutes of “The Myth.”

Premptive Critic: DayBreakers

Well it was bound to happen. These days you can't go into a Hot Topic and swing a stick without hitting some kind of new-age, gothy vampire merchandise. This new, brooding brood of the undead are big money these days.

Now, I'm not going to get into how dumb the emo vampire thing is. Lets just say I'm against anything that makes vampires good looking.

They can't use mirrors people, vampires constantly have stuff in their teeth.


Fortunately, for us DayTrippers is not trying to cash in on current preteen girls vampire crush fad. It seems that somebody finally took a lot at their 12-year-old daughter's closest and asked them selves “Wait weren't vampires suppose to be monsters?”

Unfortunately for DayCampers, the only people not sick of vampires are preteen girls with vampire crushes.

I don't want to get anywhere near any movie where I may hear misplaced squealing.

However the biggest problem that I have with Day Dream Believers is that the plot is waaaaaaay to convoluted to be creditable.

You expect me to believe that vampires could defeat mankind (which includes me remember) even though they can't go out at night or eat at Olive Garden.

And then you expect me to believe that they able to form an international corporation whose soul purpose is to round people up, keep them alive and use them for their own benefit like cattle, all the while never coming across two perpendicular pieces of wood?

Seriously, why don't vampires just drink cows blood? They're way cheaper to raise and they can't make holy water.

This whole plan is way more work that they would need.

Think about it. There are millions of young women out there who would give anything to stare into the eyes of a sparkly bloodsucker.

There are millions of young men out there who will let complete strangers take a considerable amount of blood for nothing more than a couple cookies.

Vampires, if you're out there, her's what you do. Make yourself all shiney. Let girls look at you in exchange for cookies. Then turn around and trade those cookies to college-aged guys for blood.

So basically, for the price of some glitter paint, they vampires can eat all they want, not upset anyone and not have to invade any towns in Alaska.

It's a win-win.

The movie, however, lose-lose.

I pre-emptively hate this movie.

Because it sucks.

Get it? Sucks. Because of the vampires? Never mind.