Preemptive Critic: Taken 2

There are just some things in life you don’t take. Like candy from a baby, a picnic basket from a real bear or advantage of a girl who’s had too much (of anything) to drink and will do literally anything to get you to stop blocking the way to the bathroom.

After Taken 1 I’m pretty sure we all added Liam Neeson’s daughter to that list.

Sure when we heard the pitch we were like “what’s he going to do, read a book on tape until the kidnappers get lulled to death?”

But then we saw the trailer and we were like “oh, he’s going to take that beautifully narrated book on tape and jam it up some dude’s urethra.” 

And then we saw the movie and we were like “Note to self, stay away from Liam Neeson’s daughter.”

It’s like the bad guy in Taken 2 never even saw Taken 1.

Of course, after the first couple Die Hards you’d figure terrorists would start planning their schedules around not doing stuff near John McClane

Take it from me. Twice if you need to. I preemptively hate this movie.