Daddy wants to be a Mummy

Today while looking at the news, I had a moment of panic when I to choose between a story about the President banning guns or on about an eagle trying to grab a kid.

My life policy of “when in doubt, choose the bird” did not steer me wrong.

I also ended up reading a lot about King Ramses III because who doesn’t scour the Web trying to figure out what that crazy cat got up to last weekend?

Seriously though, he was all over the news today because apparently they just barely figured out what killed him 3000 years ago. I guess a bunch of Egyptologist had too much pomegranate wine while  watching a couple episodes of CSI: Cold Case and thought “Hey! We could totally do that!”

Turns out he had his throat slit in his harem.

I’m surprised it took them this long to make a conclusion about the giant hole in his neck.

Also, how did they know where it happened? Did he died with a smile on his face?

But at least now I have a science based plan for if a mummy attacks me.

I’m gonna slit the sucker’s throat.

In other mummy related news, I’ve decided I want to be one. It may be because I spent the evening taking care of my sick kid but I think the lack of mobility and extreme chaffing would totally be worth it to always have something to wipe a toddler’s nose with.

Geek on

Preemptive Critic: Playing for Keeps

Soccer is the greatest of all sports.

I mean millions of screaming Latin Americans can’t be wrong.

But let’s be honest here, has there ever been a good soccer movie? Soccer doesn’t have a “Rocky” (boxing), or a “The Natural” (baseball) or even a “Men with Brooms” (that weird Canadian thing with the brooms). All it’s got are “Bend it Like Beckham” and that one with Air Bud.

Romantic comedies are the greatest of all film genres.

I mean millions of screaming housewives can’t be wrong.

But let’s be honest here, unless it’s got Meg Ryan, they’re not good. Heck they’re not great with her.

So let’s take two things that make for horrible movies (three if you count Gerard Bulter, which I do) and smash them together. Finally the cinematic rotten-tuna/walrus anus combo I’ve been waiting for.

I preemptively hate this movie.

Preemptive Critic Red Dawn

So Red Dawn huh?

Seriously, did nobody in marketing not think this name sounds like a 5 Grade girls health video?

Of course not.

Now yes, I do know that this is a re-make. I know that these days re-makes get re-made with no questions re-asked, but really, they probably should.

So North Korea (I think) invades Kentucky (I think) and the rest of America decides we don’t give a crap (I assume). Of course those stupid invaders didn’t know Kentucky is where we keep all our gun worshiping weirdos and our Australian born Norse god of thunder.

Seriously guys, do some research next time. Invade Maine. We’d probably just give it to you, half the people there already think they’re in Canada.

So this movie is obviously pointed at a particular audience. And that audience will friggin’ loves this film. They will also most likely quote it during a political argument.

And I can’t say that I blame them.

This movie as big explosions, big action and a big men making big speeches.

What more do you need to kick off the holiday season?

For making me look forward to being racist. I preemptively hate this movie.

Preemptive Critic: Taken 2

There are just some things in life you don’t take. Like candy from a baby, a picnic basket from a real bear or advantage of a girl who’s had too much (of anything) to drink and will do literally anything to get you to stop blocking the way to the bathroom.

After Taken 1 I’m pretty sure we all added Liam Neeson’s daughter to that list.

Sure when we heard the pitch we were like “what’s he going to do, read a book on tape until the kidnappers get lulled to death?”

But then we saw the trailer and we were like “oh, he’s going to take that beautifully narrated book on tape and jam it up some dude’s urethra.” 

And then we saw the movie and we were like “Note to self, stay away from Liam Neeson’s daughter.”

It’s like the bad guy in Taken 2 never even saw Taken 1.

Of course, after the first couple Die Hards you’d figure terrorists would start planning their schedules around not doing stuff near John McClane

Take it from me. Twice if you need to. I preemptively hate this movie.