The fact I don't eat or sleep may be a factor

I’m feeling kinda of sick. I know what happen. I was playing goalie for the Statesman Intramural Indoor Soccer team and I was clapping really because we almost did something really cool (when a bunch of journalists get together and try to do something physical, we don’t do cool things, but sometimes we get close).

I guess I was clapping so hard that I ripped a chuck of goalie glove off and it flew into my mouth.

I think I got the avian bird flu or something.

By the way, am I the only person who's realized that the name "avian bird flu" is totally redundent? "Avian" means bird remember.

Oh well.

Geek on.

Shinney's holiday tip#1

Drink some eggnogg before you leave to start your day. You'll be burping the holiday spirit all day long!

Sometimes, I fart in the computer lab

So, I'm up to left nut in homework and stuff at work and have obviously not taken this blog very seriously. Here's a couple of updates.

At work:
Only five papes left (that's how we say it, it looks really stupid when I write it) in the semester. We had a meeting today that assigned all the stories for a year. We're looking forward to next semester in which we will include our continual attempt to devl deeper into the lifestyle issues that really matter to students, like obesity, single motherhood and nude modeling.

I also write the preemptive critic every Friday, which is a lot of fun. It's like being a real journalist, without anywork.

Personal life:
As much as I hate to admit it, my wife can totally kick my left and right buttcheek at Doctor Mario. I've come to grips with it by reminding/convincing myself that Doctor Mario isn't a real video game. It helps with the pain.

I actually mentioned this in one of my (obviously) prodominatly male CS class and apparently this is a common occurance in various geeky relationships. My hope is that if I keep letting her beat the everlovin' snickers out of me as Dr. M., sooner or later she'll join me in a game of Heroes of Might and Magic.

Of course, once she beats me at that, our marrage will be in jepordy.

I finally found out what all the "Firefly" buzz is about. It's about the coolest show I've seen in a long time. Over the break I was able to catch an episode and a half. I instant fell in love. For those of you who haven't seen in yet, I understand, it took my a while too, but it's time to repent. Go watch it now. My goal for Winter Break has switch from program my own hexbased turn-based strategy game to rent and watch the whole series.

Random stuff I'm not making up:
My little brother wants my help training to be in the Ultimate Fighting Challenge.

Some girl just asked me if a decade was ten years.

My Mormon problem article has almost 4000 reads now.

I'm too busy to poop somedays.

[Beat] Everything I ever need to know I learn from Mario

I’m scared to be a dad. It’s not the responsibility I’m afraid of. I kept me Siamese fighting fish alive for months and it didn’t cry when I didn’t feed it so I think I can handle a kid just fine.

What I’m worried about is that I won’t be able to raise the kid up to be the well-adjusted adult he or she should be.

Everyone knows that a child’s early years are crucial to their growth and development. This is why I’m worried about my kids. They will never have the same educational opportunities that I had, because they may not exist at that point.

That’s because everything I learned as a kid that made me that man I am today, I learned from the 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System.

I’m sure there are some Philistines out there who have outlandish ideas about the NES only being for entertainment. Well let me but such heresy to rest by showing you what video games have taught me.

I have personal worth. If a dopey little kid with pointy ears and a floppy hat can save the world from evil with nothing but a wooden sword than I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. (Zelda

There’s a way to solve any problem that comes your way. If one doesn’t work, try another. If the ice spell doesn’t get the job done, trying something with a little lightning. (Final Fantasy)

Always look both ways before you cross the street. (Frogger)

Women are all being held hostage by a giant, evil dragon of some kind. If you’re lucky, it’s a literal dragon hat can be dealt with by simply dropping him into lava. In all likelihood though, it’ll be some meta-physical dragon like being uncomfortable with herself in a swimsuit or fears of not fully reaching her own potential. Good luck with those man, they don’t make fireballs to kill that crap. (Mario)

This one does have to do with self-defense, the weakness of every fat person, hitting them in the stomach. (Punch Out)

No matter what your parents tell you about how it helps you grow as a person or how it’s good exercise, being a paperboy, just isn’t fun. (Paperboy, the stupidest concept for a game, ever)

It's always a good idea to devote your entire life martial arts and to have your best friend to do the same. That way if by some off chance an evil gang come and punches you girlfriend in the stomach (not she’s fat, they’re just jerks) and carry her off over their shoulders, you can do something about it. (Double Dragon)

Ninja can beat guys with guns. (Ninja Gaiden)

Just because something is pointless and doesn’t make much sense, doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous. Doesn’t anyone remember those little spiky guys that would crawl around in the first Metroid? What were those things? What kind of supior alien race employs little spiky things to crawl on there walls? I don’t know. But it keeps me up some nights. (Metroid)

Use want you’re offered in life. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you a stone, make soup. If life sends you a stupid gun that shoots leaves, use it to destroy some other evil robot. (Megaman 2)

Sometimes you really have to get to the heart of the problem. Sometimes this isn’t pretty. Sometimes this requires shooting the face right off your problem, climbing inside and shooting the problem’s heart with your machine gun. It’s times like these it’s helpful to have 30 lives. (Contra)

Patience is key. You may be tempting to drop a crooked piece down your carefully crafted one square wide chasm to get a couple easy points. Hang tight though, the long skinny piece is just around the corner. (Tetris)

So you can see, everything I really need to know, I learned from Nintendo.

Geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently trying to use skills his learned from playing computer games to get out of taking his midterms next month. Comments can be sent to

Secrets of Marraige

So I'm learning all kinds of things about real life since I've gotten married.

For example, I've learned why it is generally the man's job to take the garbage out. It's not because the garbage is gross, or because it's too heavy.

It's just that taking out the garbage is the only job around the house simple enough that my wife will trust me to do it.

Geek on.

Big Brawl with the Bogeyman

I have never really got over my fear of the bogeyman. It’s one of the many things from my childhood that I just cannot let go of, like my love of action figures, refusal to eat broccoli and this reoccurring dream where the people from Seseme Street try to feed me to Snuffalufagus.

The thing about the bogeyman is that despite the fact that he has terrified me and prevented me from sleeping for the last twenty years, I still have no clear idea as to what he looks like.

The day that I moved out away from home was a highlight in my life, not only because it meant I could escape my mother’s iron grip and spend all day eating cheetos in my underwear. It also meant that if the bogeyman were to finally get around to crawling out from under my bed to kill me, there would be a 50 percent chance he’d get my roommate first. This was a big improvement in my mind.

As a 7-year-old, I would always have my parents protect me from the bogeyman, because certain death and the hands of a drooling monster didn’t seem to faze them.

I also assumed that by the time I was married I would be brave enough to protect my young bride from anything that may be hiding in our closet. I also figured I’d have matured to the point where I’d be able to resist giggling to myself when I hear the word “titillate.”

I was wrong on both counts.

So here I am, a married “responsible” adult, I can do anything I want and I still spend my nights staring at the ceiling worrying about what could possibly be going bump in the night.

I’ve decided this needs to stop. When I become a father, if my offspring come to me with fears and complaints about monsters under the bed, I’d want to be able to do more than just dress them up in some football pads, hand them a wiffle bat and wish them luck.

For all these reasons and more, I’ve decided to take the fight to my enemy. I refuse to live in fear anymore. I’m officially calling the boogeyman out.

I’m not sure how this is going to work. The boogeyman definite has the advantage on me. He’s been around for years, spying on me. If he’s as smart as he claims to be, he’ll probably start watching tape of some of my previous battles looking for weaknesses.

Fortunately, I’ve been preparing for this battle for a long time. I’ve got plans. I’ve got a training regiment. I’ve got booby traps set up in my room. I think I’m ready.

Ideally, the boogeyman will be a man and face me in honorable, one-on-one combat. Actually ideally we’d just settle the whole thing via a game of high-stakes Dungeons and Dragons but we all know he’s too big of a chicken to do that. That’s right boogeyman, I’m calling you a chicken.

Unfortunately, I know that I’m dealing with an underhanded monster that generally picks victims based on the presence of footie pajamas.

From what I’ve been able to gather, the boogeyman attacks when people are least expecting it. I didn’t burn my eyebrows off in Boy Scouts for nothing. I be prepared. This is why I’m ready to face him at anytime of the night.

You think I’m kidding? Just ask my wife, I sleep with nunchucks under my pillow.

Now I’m sure some of you out there are laughing at me, saying that such a battle is unnecessary seeing as how there hasn’t been a verified boogeyman-related attack since at least the Carter administration. To you I say, if you were attacked by the bogeyman, would you tell anyone?

That’s not the point though, after I’m through with him, there won’t be anymore little boys getting abducted because he didn’t stay under his blanket for a very long time.

That’s why I’m doing this, for the children.

Because they deserve to be able to stay up late, so that they too, may geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently training for a fight with Count Chocula and his big rematch with the chucabra.

This beat first apearred in the Utah Statesman. Used with permission


Sorry, no beat posted this week. I'll put one up tomorrow.

Things have been just falling around my ears.

Not that anyone reads this thing anyway. I need to up my pimpage.

Lessons learned

I've learned an important lesson recently. I've learned that some people take everything very seriously, even if you are normally associtated with fart jokes and Captian Planent references.

For those of you who just randomly reading this blog, another editor at my paper and I recently ran a very
controversial column.

Well most people now worship us as folk heros, a few people, however, want our heads on spits. Natuarlly these are the people who missed the joke. People who get the joke, thought it was funny and want to bare our children.

Anyway, you can't live your life a fraid of upsetting the unstable. In humor, if you can get half the room on your side you're a winner. If the respose we've gotten is any indication, we have 99 percent in our corner.

If you haven't read it yet, here's the link, let me know what you think.