Preemptive Review of 'Snakes on a Plane"

I ******* hate it when some ****** Hollywood producers think that their ****** doesn’t stink and they can make any ***** movie they ***** want.

It’s even ****** worse when they use snakes so ******* fake that it makes “Anaconda” look like ****** Lord of the ***** Rings.

And just a tip to the ****** who put the trailer together, don’t but the ******* ending of the **** movie in the ******* trailer. Where not dumb ******* here. We can ****** figure it out.

With the ****** rules in the ****** airport these days, it would be more like “Snakes in the ***** Security Line to get on the ******** Plane.”

For any *****s out there who don’t ******* know, the phrase snakes of a plane is ***** Internet lingo for something that doesn’t ****** make sense. Just like this ******* movie.

I preemptively ***** hate this ***** movie.

Preemptive Review of 'Pulse'

Continuing the fine American tradition of ripping off the Japanese in everything they do, “Pulse” is next horror movie, featuring an attractive young cast, weak plot exposition and a bunch of androgynous monsters.

In the film a lovable college student dies and begins his final journey into the cosmic beyond. Like a good boy he sends a note to all his friends to let them know that he made it safely.

His friends, who don’t understand what email spam is, open the message and release a plague of the living dead upon the world.

They probably open attachments from strangers too.


Apparently now zombies are using the Internet against us.

And you thought pop up ads were annoying.

Fortunately the endless swarms of demons or ghost or zombies or what ever these things are stand no chance against the deductive powers of Veronica Mars who’s on the case.

So let’s review the important security tips this movie provides. 1) Don’t give your password to anyone. 2) Don’t post your address on any Web site. 3) Don’t open emails from beyond the grave. 4) Never, ever, under any circumstances, punch the monkey.

I preemptively hate this movie.

A Preemptive Review of Accepted

Ah high school, the best four years that you can’t wait to end.

Does anyone else remember the movie “Camp Nowhere,” the one where the kids make up their own summer camp to avoid spending the summer bonding with their parents?

The makers of American Pie are sure hoping you don’t or else it would spoil the ending of “Accepted” and that would just be tragic.

Goofy looking star Justin Long finds out the hard way that life after high school is just as full of people just waiting to give you a wedgie as are on any high school football team.

But rather than sucking it up like a man and going to a trade school or BYU or something like that, Long decides to create a college so “awesome” that checking out babes is a class.

I mean what are you going to do with that degree? Besides teach of course.

Still not convinced that this movie will be a total waste of time? Just think of it this way. It’s an American Pie movie with a PG-13 rating which pretty much removes the only reasons to watch an American Pie movie.

Besides, you never forget your first made up college.

I preemptively hate this movie.