I like to take that whole "One man's trash" thing to an unhealthy level

I used to think when I graduated college and got a really job that wasn't as a janitor, I'd finally be able to stop eating donuts from the garbage.

I was wrong.

As I look back at my life, I'm a little concerned to discover that most of my difficult moral questions have come from deciding when eating food out of a garbage can in an office somewhere was stealing and when I was morally justified in taking it.

You would probably be really concerned to discover how rarely I've considered whether or not eating such food was sanitary.

I'm not exaggerating though, I really used to spend a lot of time staring into garbage cans wondering if I was allowed – morally – to eat that last couple pieces of cake with so much frosting that no one wanted them.

I even looked to the Bible for guidance, but it didn't help. For a book supposed to have all the answers, it was strangely vague on the moral standing of dumpster divers.

I'm not one hundred percent sure on that though, I didn't check in the front part. I never read those chapters because I'm always afraid I'll find something I really like will send me to Hell.

If it turns out that double dipping in the salsa is a sin, I want to be able to plead ignorance.

These quandaries were pretty common for me too. Until my wife forbade me, I earned most of my income from various positions as a janitor. I enjoyed it. It was honest work, but simple and the only one that rewarded me for not being squeamish at the site of vomit.

The best part about being a janitor was those special occasion when I would find a treat, stashed away somewhere just for me.

I used to wonder if the people who worked in the office new what I was up to. I think some of them thought it was interesting, and would set up mazed of garbage for me to dig through like a lab rat through a maze, only instead of cheese, I got a slice of cold pizza.

Other employees, however, considered be a pest and would tied their food up in the tree, to keep me out.

Some times I have to team up with a bear to get at it.

Don't think I would just root around in the break room garbage like some kind of raccoon with a mop (the best stuff was always in the conference rooms), I did have standards: I'd only eat stuff that was separated from the “real” garbage by a box or bag.

Or if I was really hungry, a memo.

When I stopped janitating (the verb form of janitor for those of you still learning English) and got a real job in the other side of an office (the side that doesn't clean the toilet) I thought that the good times were over and I'd have to start paying for all my meals.

In truth however, things have gotten better, because now, as a full-time employee, I have access to the garbage long before the janitor even get there. It's like a dream come true.

I no longer wish I could be invited to meetings where they have donuts – one of which there was today – I just wait until the meeting finishes, the table is cleared and the lights are turned off. Then it's mine time to shine.

Or steal.

I really don't care anymore, it's a free donut.

Geek On

9 comments:

Di said...

It's nice to know there are other people who are as non-germaphobic about food as I am.

Steve said...

This is hardly fair Di, you know where to find me, but I don't know where to find you.

Di said...

Mwahahaha! Kinda creepy isn't it? Well, I don't have any cool blogspot type thing, but I have a myspace you can't see unless you're my myspace friend. I'm sorry. If you want you can email me at lifeofdi@hotmail.com.

di said...

By the way, here's the version of If You Could Hie to Kolob that I told you about once upon a time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBHu_KYrOEE

Steve said...

So I guess that means we're share links friends, but not myspace friends. I see how it is.

Well to move us one step closer to that hollowed level, heres a link that's on myspace.

http://myspace.com/jennyowenyoungs

Check out her version of "Hot in Here." You'll be glad you did.

di said...

Are you on myspace? I didn't think you were. If you are, I would definitely be friends with you.

Steve said...

I set up a myspace account one day when I was trying to figure out how to stay in contact with everyone. I was so ashamed of myself I haven't loaded it up since.

di said...

You always had such a scorn for myspace. I'm surprised you even created one!

Steve said...

Meh, I hate a lot of things but still sign up to see what it's really like. That way my disdain is more deserved.