Premptive Critic: The Spy Nextdoor

“Secret Agent Bob Ho (Jacky Chan) is about to face his most difficult mission ever.”

Please don't be kids please don't be kids.



Seriously Jackie, what happened to you? You were second coolest celebrity (after Jenny McArthy) of the whole 90s. Now look at you.

Don't get me wrong. I idolize you (literally, I have a gold statue of you that if anyone takes a boulder in the shape of Mr. T's fist will come done and crush them) but you have lost the plot?

You keep making this feel-good, family movies and I'll tell you, my family does not feel good.

Do you even remember that scene in “First Strike” with the ladder? That was you man. That was you making the entire United States of America crap its collective pants.

That's how cool you used to be.

Look at you now in this one. The only people crapping their pants are your co-stars.

Ok, I'll admit. I'm being a little hard on you Jackie. It seems no matter what film you end up being in, you give it 100 percent and make some of the worse premises into truly enjoyable experiences and I'm sure you'll do the same here.

I'm just wistful for a long gone time, I guess.

A time where the only movies you stared in featured either beating people up with chairs or two misfits from different worlds overcoming their cultural differences to beat people up with chairs.

I guess I'll have to face facts that those days are gone just like dollar-a-gallon gas, grunge music and Jackie Chan movies where the most threatening looking person from the trailer didn't look like he belongs in a Avril Lavigne video.


I preemptively hate this movie, but I know I'll love it later.

Oh and if you're really reading this Mr. Chan, I'm still pissed about the last ten minutes of “The Myth.”

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