Today before dinner I had the special opportunity that only a parent gets of hoping a number a random events go against me and do so quickly so I could eat. In other words, I played Cootie Bug with my son.
I’ve played dozens of games of Cootie Bug with my son since we adopted the game.
I’ve won once.
Keep in mind, you can’t cheat at Cootie Bug. Or if you can, I don’t know how. It is a game where you just roll a die until someone wins. Further proof that I blew my life’s worth of luck on that day I found an unopened candy bar under the tree at the park.
I mean when I met my wife. That’s a better answer.
Anyway, so here I am, really hungry, sitting on the hard floor and completely at the mercy of Lady Luck. I was so caught up in the moment that I almost missed something.
My son was swearing.
Not swearing in the sense that he was saying swear words. He hasn’t done that since the time he wanted to keep my sister’s dog from licking his by telling her to poop on the carpet (he wanted to say “Paisley! Sit!”).
But after each roll of the die that didn’t bring him closer to glorious Cootie Bug completion, he was most certainly repeating a word that, to him, expressed his frustrations with the latest turn of events.
That word was “pants.”
Imagine, if you will, a three-year-old seeing that he rolled a four, shaking his fist towards heaven and screaming out “Pants!”
That was my evening.
And it got my thinking. Swearing is actually really fun. I just can’t use the good words because I’m not 12 anymore and I know it doesn’t make people think I’m grown up.
I have a hairline for that.
So here are a couple of the new words I’m planning on adding to my vocabulary, along with “pants,” to express my anger with the planned situation in brackets.
“Peach bucket!” [Someone who uses the express line with too many items.]
“Spinosaurus!” [I miss my exit because I was trying to explain song lyrics to someone.]
“Didgeridoo!” [My team misses a shot. I will also accept “Didgeridoo better you peach bucket”.]
“Sweet Popping Bacon Grease!” [I pick up some litter and find gum]
“Treebark!” [My son beats me a Cootie Bug.]
Leave your suggestions for more in the comments.