Trying some very different things in this piece. Would appreciate any feedback.
Last week we Americans, with our red blood, blue jeans and whitey tighties, celebrated our freedom: Freedom not just from obsessive dictators but from commercials for feminine hygiene products during major sporting events.
Yes, now days we Yankees are freer than a stomach ache on Halloween, but it wasn't always the case. There was a time when Americans were subject to foreign rule. Not just any foreign rule, but the oppressive and evil foreign rule of the British who, at the time, were about as evil as Shredder from the Ninja Turtles..
It was all a big misunderstanding. The British (who invented wedgies by the way) were convinced they owned the colonies simply because they had made them.
As a result of this British (who smelled like wet cow) tyranny, the Americans were not allowed to go swimming for at least 45 minutes after eating.
But in these darks days of wet socks and stale popcorn there were, however, a brave few who dared to dream. Dream of a future where their children were free to take a penny, even if they had no intention of ever leaving a penny.
These men were upset at the injustices they suffered at the hands of the British (who were also in league with Gargemel from the Smurfs). They were upset they a 10 pm curfew. They were upset they couldn't make a right turn at a red light. But mostly they were upset about taxes.
The British (who hated puppies) were big fans of taxes. The put ridiculous taxes on everything. Sugar was taxed. Toilet paper was taxed. There was a tax on wig powder. You know that little plastic table-looking thing that comes in a box of pizza? They had a tax on those. Even the thirteenth donut in a baker's dozen was taxed.
Basically the British (who always double dipped in the salsa) were a bunch of taxing douche bags.
Now the Americans wanted to rebel. The problem was British (who cheated at Clue) Army had like two million soldiers, some of which may have been vampires.
These soldiers had two jobs in America, give speeding tickets to people just going two miles over the limit and make sure none of the Americans got to drink any of the special British (who pretty much sucked at volleyball) tea, which was kept on a boat.
So the colonists, burning to feel the freedom of Taco Tuesday, took the tea and dumped into the Boston Harbor. Of course, those of us who can finish the mazes on the back our cereal boxes (which the colonists couldn't because of the high maze tax) realize that putting tea in water is pretty much the recipe for tea.
And so these brave revolutionaries turned American's biggest shipping center into the world's largest cup of Earl Gray, which sounds a lot more like a prank that an act of total defiance.
At first the British (who pooped on babies) were confused by this move. Their first reaction was to enforce a tax on dressing up like an Indian and on doing things they didn't understand.
Before long though, the British (who hated your Grandma) couldn't resist a practically endless supply of tea. Soon then all came in for a drink.
That was when the colonists shot them.
Unfortunately they used too loud of a gun and the shot was heard all the way around the world. This lead to the American Revolutionary War which was pretty much the coolest war until the invention of death rays because it consisted of the Americans beating the British (who had no nads) so bad that they didn't set foot in America again until the War of 1812 by which time they had invented evil robots spies.
Fortunately, by then Andrew Jackson discover a ring of power, so we were OK.
So I hoped you enjoyed your Independence Day. But we should remember these brave founders for freedom all year long.
In conclusion, fireworks stands should be open all year.
Steve Shinney is a serious historian who never makes up facts. Ever. Not even if you asked him to. You can try to talk him into it in the comments section.