They say the average man thinks about sex once every second.
I think that's a bunch of crap.
If the average man has that on his mind so much when does he think about candy?
Of course candy has been front and center of pretty much 2 out of every 5 thoughts I've had since I was 3. I'm a big fan of the stuff. I think all of the trouble in the Middle East would go away if Hamas and Israel would take a fifteen minute to sit down and think about how freaking awesome Tootsie Pops are.
In recent days when various stresses have been crushing down on me like a 12 year old girl on a Jonas Brother, I've found great solace and joy through meditating on the joys of candy. Let me share a few of them with you.
I think you can tell how much you mean to someone by simply asking them for one of their Starbursts.
If they give you an orange one, they consider you to be more than an acquaintance, but you're really not close yet. Try spending more time asking about their day and really listening to their answer and you'll work your way up to the better colors in no time.
A red one means they are a good friend. They'd gladly help you move, but would probably think twice before jumping in front of a bullet or a charging rhinoceros for you.
If they give you a pink, you have found yourself a soul mate, marry this person, even if you have to change your sexual preferences and state residency to do so.
A yellow means they are probably planning to poop in your cubicle and you should probably hit them before the get you.
Considering the fact that I've eaten about 1500 Everlasting Gobstobbers in my lifetime, I think those buggers are horribly misnamed.
I think that at some point in my life, probably sooner than later, I should really stop trying to guess the answer to the jokes on Laffy Taffy wrappers.
And I really need to stop feeling so smug when I get it right.
Kids these days have it way to freaking easy these days. Not only are PG-13 movies more violent with a higher chance of bare bums, but the average pack of Smarties has way more colored ones in it.
When I was a kid, a pack of Smarties was a freakin' algebra problem. I did some pretty complex algorithms trying to figure out which side of a pack of Smarties to start eating from (because you had to eat them in order dang it!) in order to get the flavored ones to cancel out the crappy air flavor of the white ones.
Speaking of Smarties, was it ever cool in your school to snort Pixie Stick powder up your noes in lines like cocaine? It was in Idaho (a lot of dumb things were cool in Idaho).
Well I had a friend who though that he could get a better sugar rush taking a couple Smarties and crushing them up and snorting them. Once he developed a tolerance to that though, he took the next logical step.
He snorted a whole Smartie, right up his nose.
I'm pretty sure it hit him in the brain, because he never could do long devision.
Steve Shinney loves candy. His dentist hates him.