Who am I?
I'm not Batman.
I'm not Jean Valjean.
And please, don't call me Ishmael.
While you're at it, stop sending me Ishmael's junk mail.
I'm no once special. You've probably never heard of me. You wouldn't know me if you saw me on the street and even if you did, you probably wouldn't admit it.
And yet, I'm inside you.
I am the part of you that looks up at the sky at night and wants to boldly go and explore the great nothingness between the lonely diamonds of lights and all the adventures along the way
I'm the day dreams you don't tell anyone about, the ones with wizards, dragons and you in a suit of brilliantly shining armor, a magic sword and a princess to save.
I'm you're top score in Tetris and your secret shame of never beating Contra.
I'm the urge to go eat at the place where the pretty girl waits tables. I'm the lump in your throat when you try to talk to her. I'm the feeling of being a retard when you can't.
I'm also the frustration when you can't figure out a 15% tip for her in your head.
I'm the little bit of fear that wells up in you no matter how old you get every time you see a football team practicing. I'm to automatic reaction to look for a teacher to run too in case they decide to stick your 20-year-old body in a locker.
I'm you're secret knowledge about all things Pokemon.
Bulbasaur rules by the way.
When you watch a movie that every critic ripped apart for being shallow and derivative I'm the joy you get when you love every car-chasing, boob-flashing minute of it.
I'm the voice in the back of you're mind that tells you that it's OK to wear white socks and sandals (it's not).
I'm the part of your brain that every once in while – usually while you're driving on in the shower – that wonders if the Thunder Cats could beat up the DinoRiders.
I'm the tree fort you're gonna build when you have kids, but really it's just for you.
I'm urge to dress up for a movie, even if it's been out for three weeks and really isn't that kind of movie.
I'm the secret crush you still have on April O'Neil, She'ra, Chun Li and the three Princesses (Toadstool, Zelda and Leia in the gold bikini).
I'm the laugh you have to repress every time a coworker shifts in his or her chair and it makes a sound that vaguely like a fart.
I'm the delusions that action figures are a sound financial investment.
I'm the source of all the awkwardness, loneliness and rejection you felt when you were in Jr. High and still haunts you to this day.
But I'm also where your happiest memories, your simple pleasures and your momentary escapes from reality come from.
I give you something to care about when you feel like no one cares about you.
I'm your inner child who still believes that no matter how bad things get in this world, in the end good will triumph over evil. Who won't give up hope that everyone will make it home. And still hopes that some day, Superman will save us all.
I'm Steve Shinney, and I am a geek.
I think you are too.
Steve Shinney is all this things and more, tune in every week to the Geek Beat to feel better about yourself by comparison.