Is anyone else super stoked that it's February?
I know that it's not a cool month to like. The weather's still colder than a public school lunch system burrito and if you're not it a stable relationship the only cool holiday involves the entire country waiting around for an over-fed rat to tell what kind of pants to wear the next day.
This February however is off to a great start because I don't have to worry if my fly is up any more.
No, I haven't taken the plunge and switch over to sweats entirely (I have to wait 35 years or 200 pounds before I can do that). It's February 4th, which means by now, I can in good conscience forsake my New Year's resolution.
One of my New Year's resolutions this time around was to keep any and all cows from getting out. However it turns out that constantly being worried about the condition of my barn door is nothing but undue stress on bridge that probably should come down anyway before it hurts someone.
And really, let's be honest here, no one notices the 49 times that you remember to put your zipper in the full and upright locked position. It's the one time you don't that everyone decides your crotch is the thing they want to be looking at.
I'm not too worried about this though, for one, people have been surviving just fine with my fly down for years so it's not like it's going to hurt anyone.
Plus, there's plenty of other resolutions that I made at the start of this year (like my goal to eat big-boy cereal every morning) that I have kept just fine so far and it looks like I'll be able to make them a regular part of my life.
You see, I use the same strategy for self improvement as I do for putting band-aids on a flailing, oiley two-year old. Throw a bunch of them out there, and hope something sticks.
And sometimes things do. Despite what my mother may have said in her last Live Journal post, I really am a much better person than I was ten years ago. I think a lot of that can be traced back to the resolutions that I made and kept.
While I don't exercise everyday, I used to, and I still do more than the average American, and I'm healthier over all, which was the intent of the resolution so it counts.
I'm more accepting and tolerant of people whose lifestyle choices I don't agree with, like clowns or babies.
I'm no longer afraid of the vacuum.
I use mouth wash every single night.
I've done pretty good at writing this column or something else once a week.
I haven't de-pants a direct superior since '02.
I don't even remember the last time that I chased down a jr high kid, threw him in the mud, sat on his head and punched him until he peed.
Unfortunately not every resolution has gone as well as my pledge to eat more muffins.
The follow are some resolutions that I flopped on, like a fat kid trying to do a back flip.
No more making fun of fat kids.
I never really got the hang of flossing, although I think this is the white whale of resolutions. I'm pretty sure no one really uses floss, not even anal dentists (which is a really funny phrase).
I figure the only way that the floss manufactures stay is business is they also make that fake plastic grass you see around Easter, which is basically just really flat floss.
Learn the real name of the plastic table looking thing that comes in a box of pizza.
No more audibly farting at parties.
Turn into a mummy.
Come up with a new catch phrase.
Steve Shinney is working really hard on the resolution his wife gave him, but it just so hard to stay awake in church. Advice and encouragement can be left below.