Premptive Critic: DayBreakers

Well it was bound to happen. These days you can't go into a Hot Topic and swing a stick without hitting some kind of new-age, gothy vampire merchandise. This new, brooding brood of the undead are big money these days.

Now, I'm not going to get into how dumb the emo vampire thing is. Lets just say I'm against anything that makes vampires good looking.


They can't use mirrors people, vampires constantly have stuff in their teeth.
Fangs.

Whatever.

Fortunately, for us DayTrippers is not trying to cash in on current preteen girls vampire crush fad. It seems that somebody finally took a lot at their 12-year-old daughter's closest and asked them selves “Wait weren't vampires suppose to be monsters?”

Unfortunately for DayCampers, the only people not sick of vampires are preteen girls with vampire crushes.

I don't want to get anywhere near any movie where I may hear misplaced squealing.

However the biggest problem that I have with Day Dream Believers is that the plot is waaaaaaay to convoluted to be creditable.

You expect me to believe that vampires could defeat mankind (which includes me remember) even though they can't go out at night or eat at Olive Garden.

And then you expect me to believe that they able to form an international corporation whose soul purpose is to round people up, keep them alive and use them for their own benefit like cattle, all the while never coming across two perpendicular pieces of wood?

Seriously, why don't vampires just drink cows blood? They're way cheaper to raise and they can't make holy water.

This whole plan is way more work that they would need.

Think about it. There are millions of young women out there who would give anything to stare into the eyes of a sparkly bloodsucker.

There are millions of young men out there who will let complete strangers take a considerable amount of blood for nothing more than a couple cookies.

Vampires, if you're out there, her's what you do. Make yourself all shiney. Let girls look at you in exchange for cookies. Then turn around and trade those cookies to college-aged guys for blood.

So basically, for the price of some glitter paint, they vampires can eat all they want, not upset anyone and not have to invade any towns in Alaska.

It's a win-win.

The movie, however, lose-lose.

I pre-emptively hate this movie.

Because it sucks.

Get it? Sucks. Because of the vampires? Never mind.