Really there’s only two things that have kept me from flipping my entire company the bird, buying some spandex and starting a full time career of brooding on top of rooftops, getting my girlfriends killed and occasionally fighting crime.
1) I don’t have a good superhero name.
2) I don’t actually have any powers.
I’ve wanted super powers for as long as I’ve known what super powers are. But I’ve dreamed about it for so long and thought about it so much I’m starting to realize that it’s probably a good thing that I don’t have any.
I’ve always assumed that if I got powers, I’d be a bastion of good and right in a world gone wrong. That I would be the be the one who fights for those who cannot. That, in short, I would be a true hero.
Now I’m pretty sure I would just use my X-ray vision to ogle women as they jog.
It’s not just about being a pervo though. I just really don’t think I’m as good of a person as I would need to be to not be corrupted with the ability to fly and therefore could make myself appear much taller.
I’m not saying I would be a bad. I’m not going to be villain or anything. I just think I would use my powers for douchebaggery instead of for good.
Unwilling to accept that I was not the hero, I tried to think if there was some sort of recognized super power that I wouldn't be able to used in some twisted way for my own sick purposes.
So far I got nothing.
Super Strength: In my entire life I may use this once or twice to stop a runaway train. I would use it daily to push other people’s poorly parked cars into the middle of the parking space.
Invisibility: I would constantly go invisible to pick my nose, fart and scratch my crotch in public.
Fire power: Really the only thing I could see me doing with the ability to control fire is burning the cigarettes of people smoking by a bus stop.
Regeneration: This is just distasteful practical jokes waiting to happen.
Mind Control: I don’t think I have to explain this one. I’ll just say two words and let you figure it out: Free. Cheese.
I can’t be alone in this. I bet most people would be the same if they were given great power. Not a superhero. Not a super villain. Just a super dick.
Hey that could be my name.