Be so prepared your butt hurts

There’s a reason I always have a spoon and camera in my backpack.

I’m an Eagle Scout. I’m legally obligated to always be prepared.

In my case, I’ve just decided to be prepared for coming across a supermodel stuck under 400 pounds of pudding.

This isn’t the only fortuitous event I’m totally ready for. So far in my late night adventures in the Lost Temple of the Dumpster behind Walmart, I’ve never come across a lamp, ring or day-old donut with a genie contractually required to give me anything my heart desires, but just incase it does happen and there is some sort of time limit involved, I already know what I will wish for.

I want a baseball bat that makes people smarter on contact.

Think how liberating it would be be arguing with some moron, be obviously winning, get to the point where all he’s doing is drawing verbal wieners on your well-crafted arguments and then WHAM instant agreement.

Oh, I’m getting nerd-chills just thinking about it.

This is the reason I want my Louisville Slugger of Discourse, I’m a nerd and nerds will argue about anything. Not just anything, the dumbest kind of anything.

Here are some actual arguments, that I’ve had with people: Who is the best Star Trek Captain? Which Indiana Jones movie is the best? Could the Green Lantern summon green food, like Jello maybe? Who is the dumbest Backstreet Boy?  What color is this truck? What’s wrong with you? Didn’t you see the light was green? Do you wanna fight punk? Do I look fat in this?

I think you’re starting to see what I have to put up with.

I would never go anywhere without that thing. I would harness it’s power to usher in a new golden age for mankind. It would be my Excalibur. My Mjolner. Or my Linus’s Blanket.

Now I just need some way to make it work through the Internet.

Crapknuckles, I probably could have wished for that.