If you say it right, janitor sounds like a He-man villian

The other day someone was asking my son what he want to be when he grew up. He gave his spiel and I waited patiently for my turn to answer, figuring I would be asked next.

I would wait indefinitely, as the question never came.

After five minutes of awkward silence, I was like “Holy buttnuts! I’m grown up.”

And so as a responsible grown up, here is some advice for you young whippersnappers on how to properly be a janitor, because trust me at some point in your life your need for food will over power your need to not be up to your elbows in someone else’s toilet.


Never reveal that you’re a janitor: This is crucial. It also comes with a built in curse, which is nice. The moment you tell a clean hand that you’re a janitor, you’ll be cleaning their windows in no time.

This should really be a rule for everyone, no matter what they do for a living. If no one has ever asked you to do your job for free in your off hours, you probably don’t have the kind of job that will be of no use to us during the zombie apocalypse.

This is why when people ask me what I do, I just tell them I’m Batman.

You can eat anything you find in the garbage: But you really ought to limit it to food products.

Just a general rule if you eat something off of someone’s desk, you’re a thief. If you eat that same food out of their garbage bin you’re a responsible human being keeping food from going to waste.

Basically you’re like a fridge that also scrubs the toilet. 

If you work in an office, the best way to show that you appreciate not having to replace your own toilet paper rolls is to take any leftover donuts, place them in the box so they’re visible through that little window and leave it carefully on the top of the garbage. I can speak from experience that you will have the best vacuumed cube in the office.

Just hate everybody: Trust me, it’s much easier this way. 

I’ve been where you are young janiwan. You’ve finally seen humanity for what it really is. A disgusting unwashed mass of pimply trash. You know about the disgusting residue that we leave in the bathroom. You’ve used your bare hands to unclog a vacuum full of hair and toenail clippings. You have stared into the void, and come out alive, but very dirty.

Right now you’ve probably convinced yourself that all this grossness is the result of a few, super grody-Codies. That somehow, these anomalies of hygiene move from desk to desk, spreading their filth as the go.

I’m going to tell you that is a straight up lie.

Everyone, every single living human being, no matter how clean and decent smelling they may seem at home or on the street, is a total pig when they know there is a janitor. That’s right, that cute girl who works at the other end of office, when no one is looking, transforms into a strange pig monster that farts crumbs all over the place.

Don’t tell anyone that recycling is a scam: Every place I’ve ever janitated there’s been a recycling bin that was my responsibility. Not once was I told where to take the contents to be actually recycled.

If you ever find out who’s putting chewed gum into their garbage can without wrapping it in paper first, kill them: They totally deserve it.