No world changing plans this time, just something I’ve been carrying for a long time and really need to get off my chest.
The following animals are stupid:
Skunks: Skunks are stupid. They’re a little black and white animal whose only defense is the fact that they really really stink.
We’ll I’ve got news for you to little poofy-tailed morons, you live in Nature. Nature already stinks. It’s full of big sweaty animals with shaggy hair that never bathe or wipe or put on deodorant. Things are dying and rotting all other the place. There isn’t a thing in nature that doesn’t smell like it’s own butt.
You’re not intimidating skunks. Go evolve some fangs or something.
Poison Dart Frogs: Congratulations, you’re poisonous. Anything that eats you will die. But they already ate you. So you died too ya stupid frog.
Giraffes: Seriously, just look at these schmucks. They’re whole thing is that they’re tall. Don’t tell me that’s not a stupid idea when the only thing sticking out of the zebra-high, lion-infested giraffes are these dummies
I get the whole thing is they want to be the only animal that can eat the leaves off the trees. And sure, if somehow, all the grass in the great grasslands of Africa dies and the various antelope all starve off, then yeah all the giraffe on the Serengeti have permission to look down their stupid long noses at me and stick out their stupid long tongues.
Until then, screw you ya lanky, spotted freaks!
Geese: I’ve already made my feelings on these feathered devil spawn known.
Worms: They sit in the ground all day. They eat dirt and they somehow poop dirt. This is not a sustainable system. These worms need to get out and diversify their portfolios or something.
They at least need to admit the plan isn’t work. 100 million years ago worms were in the ground, eating and pooping dirt. All this time later, while the rest of the world was building cities or getting carved on to totem poles or getting confused with mermaids by desperate sailors, worms are still in the friggin’ dirt.
The city of Bidhannagar: Apparently there is a city in Western India that likes to call itself Salt Lake City. Ummm.... We already have one of those.
I know cities aren’t animals, but I had to put them in there place sometime and this seemed as good a time as any.
Lobsters: Dear lobsters. You quit too soon. You grew and grew until you were the kings of the crustaceans, but then you quit like a fat kid trying to run a 4 minute mile.
If you’d grown to the size of a tiger you’d be the kings of the world (seriously, imagine a lobster that size then tell me what on this planet would mess with that thing). Instead you stayed a size where when the true dominate species showed up, we took one look at you and said “Man, that is the ugliest, scariest, meanest looking critter I’ve ever seen...I bet I could eat it.”
Well that felt good, not only have a vented something that has long stood in need of it, but it let me make some much needed biology jokes.
We may need to do this again.