[Beat] Mastering Science before hitting puberty

People often complain that I take to long in my columns to get to the point. As far as I’m concerned you people are lucky I even have a point. No paper I’ve ever written for a grade has had one.

Anyways, without any further ado, the point:

Just like Donatello, I’m a scientist. I have been ever since I preformed my first experiment on what would happen if you light your little sister’s Barbie on fire. From which I developed my first real scientific equation: H2O * Sd <= G(t), which states (obviously) that the amount she cries combined with the smoke damage you cause are directly related to the amount of time you’ll spend grounded.

This was than followed by the discovery of other scientific principals such as gravity pulls objects of smaller mass toward those with bigger, that food that’s only been on the ground for 10 seconds in still safe to eat and just because you head will fit through something doesn’t necessarily mean that it can come back out.

Despite my illustrious career in the sciences there are some things I’ve never understood. How scratch-and-sniff stickers work and my little brother’s irrational fear of weasels are two of them. Also high up on the list is pretty much anything that a grownup ever said to me when I was a child.

From “Don’t hold you’re face like that, it’ll stick,” to “root beer is not for breakfast,” everything my authority figures would say to me didn’t make a lick of sense.

The one that would really dry my Play-Doh out was “Don’t play too much video games, they’re a waste of time and will rot your brain.” Personally I don’t think anyone who can’t figure out how to get Link the wooden sword could accuse me of having a rotten brain.

With the exception of watching Drew Barrymore movies and coloring maps of various countries I’d never heard of in seventh grade geography, I don’t think anything I’ve done in my life has been a complete waste of time. What may appear to be the useless actions of a kid with any over active imagination was in truth a secret training regimen for the day when my skills would be needed.

What would the rest of the class do if a dragon came? Throw a football at it really hard? Play piano at it? No, all they would do is hide and cry until I was able to slay the beast with my yellow Wiffle bat.

I would spend the time that wasn’t dedicated to the pursuit a sword of dragon slaying to further my scientific prowess. You’d think my attempts to build a time machine on my skateboard would make me popular with the other kids but rather it just let to them doing their own experiments on how far up my underwear could go.

That’s another thing I haven’t been able to understand scientifically, why people claim kids are innocent and pure. From what I remember they were all mean and punched hard.

In grade school I used to get beat up for pretending to be He-Man by some kid pretending to Mike Tyson. Am I the one who sees the hypocrisy in that?

Sorry, this is a very personal topic for me. Just thinking about it brings a tear to my eye and the taste of 2000 Flushes to my mouth.

Well it looks like this column, let the semester, is coming to an end. Thanks for reading, I’ve enjoyed our time together and hope you will join my for next year’s Geek Beats. Until then, geek on.

Geek out.

This was the last Geek Beat publish in the Spring Semester of this year. Published in the Utah Statesman.

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