[Beat] Everything I ever need to know I learn from Mario

I’m scared to be a dad. It’s not the responsibility I’m afraid of. I kept me Siamese fighting fish alive for months and it didn’t cry when I didn’t feed it so I think I can handle a kid just fine.

What I’m worried about is that I won’t be able to raise the kid up to be the well-adjusted adult he or she should be.

Everyone knows that a child’s early years are crucial to their growth and development. This is why I’m worried about my kids. They will never have the same educational opportunities that I had, because they may not exist at that point.

That’s because everything I learned as a kid that made me that man I am today, I learned from the 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System.

I’m sure there are some Philistines out there who have outlandish ideas about the NES only being for entertainment. Well let me but such heresy to rest by showing you what video games have taught me.

I have personal worth. If a dopey little kid with pointy ears and a floppy hat can save the world from evil with nothing but a wooden sword than I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. (Zelda

There’s a way to solve any problem that comes your way. If one doesn’t work, try another. If the ice spell doesn’t get the job done, trying something with a little lightning. (Final Fantasy)

Always look both ways before you cross the street. (Frogger)

Women are all being held hostage by a giant, evil dragon of some kind. If you’re lucky, it’s a literal dragon hat can be dealt with by simply dropping him into lava. In all likelihood though, it’ll be some meta-physical dragon like being uncomfortable with herself in a swimsuit or fears of not fully reaching her own potential. Good luck with those man, they don’t make fireballs to kill that crap. (Mario)

This one does have to do with self-defense, the weakness of every fat person, hitting them in the stomach. (Punch Out)

No matter what your parents tell you about how it helps you grow as a person or how it’s good exercise, being a paperboy, just isn’t fun. (Paperboy, the stupidest concept for a game, ever)

It's always a good idea to devote your entire life martial arts and to have your best friend to do the same. That way if by some off chance an evil gang come and punches you girlfriend in the stomach (not she’s fat, they’re just jerks) and carry her off over their shoulders, you can do something about it. (Double Dragon)

Ninja can beat guys with guns. (Ninja Gaiden)

Just because something is pointless and doesn’t make much sense, doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous. Doesn’t anyone remember those little spiky guys that would crawl around in the first Metroid? What were those things? What kind of supior alien race employs little spiky things to crawl on there walls? I don’t know. But it keeps me up some nights. (Metroid)

Use want you’re offered in life. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you a stone, make soup. If life sends you a stupid gun that shoots leaves, use it to destroy some other evil robot. (Megaman 2)

Sometimes you really have to get to the heart of the problem. Sometimes this isn’t pretty. Sometimes this requires shooting the face right off your problem, climbing inside and shooting the problem’s heart with your machine gun. It’s times like these it’s helpful to have 30 lives. (Contra)

Patience is key. You may be tempting to drop a crooked piece down your carefully crafted one square wide chasm to get a couple easy points. Hang tight though, the long skinny piece is just around the corner. (Tetris)

So you can see, everything I really need to know, I learned from Nintendo.

Geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and is currently trying to use skills his learned from playing computer games to get out of taking his midterms next month. Comments can be sent to steveshinney@usu.edu.

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